Her name alone was intriguing. A perfect fit for a woman whom upon first glance one could tell had a story. Moana was what everyone in the hospital called her. A title her present state contradicted for the mythical Moana was a Polynesian sea-goddess, a beautiful inhumanly creation. Today Moana was not looking nor feeling her best. In fact she hadn’t been for many years. Due to her alcoholism Moanas kidneys were failing, causing her to be a regular at the Bay of Islands hospital in Kawakawa, New Zealand. She was a women of few words yet you could tell her mind was alert in the way she stared, the way her curved almond eyes followed the tiny white nurses shoes that danced like mice under the slit in the door. Her looks were deceiving, misleading others to believe she was older then her ripe age of 43. Her dark leathery skin fell victim to years of heavy drinking leaving her face swollen, and etched in a maze of thin wrinkles that framed her weathered features.
Sometimes Moana spoke. Mainly to reveal tales of her tribal life, explaining and tracing over her thick inked tattoos that cuffed her wrists and ankles. Or to relive the way she danced under the hot New Zealand sun, accompanied by endless cups of vodka on ice, strange men and the cool ocean waves.
Moanas most frequent visitor was a strange man named George. Strange in the way he came and went. Lost in the way he loved so strongly yet enabled Moanas helpless addiction. George always came at night. You knew he was approaching roughly two minutes prior to actually seeing him due to his noisy ensemble. You could hear his heavy combat boots and thick wad of keys collaborating in a rhythmic echo that sent signals down the hospital hall. Upon hearing this Moana would perk up, for her two loves were coming. George never arrived empty handed. On the edge of her bed he sat, a sturdy outline in the dark room, while Moanas neighbor, an 85 year old women named Celia quietly watched, as he slid the clear bottle into Moanas knee high boot. George and Moana never got intimate during these interactions. It was more business like; quick and to the point. This was mainly because they were not alone and partly because George was not Moanas top priority. Once she new the bottle was near the thought of twisting its seal and swigging down the room temperature beverage was the only thing that occupied her mind.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteThis was really beautiful.
And written excellently. There's clearly a lot of heart. There's no mention of yourself in the situation, very similar to the writing style of Capote in "In Cold Blood". One sentence I really enjoyed was "she was a women of few words yet you could tell her mind was alert in the way she stared, the way her curved almond eyes followed the tiny white nurses shoes that danced like mice under the slit in the door." I LOVE that! You pay very close attention to personal details, yet also include a tinge of dramatization. Not that any of this information is false, but the way it's written reads like fiction sometimes. That's good, of course, since Capote did that.
I would suggest adding more dialogue however. I'm not sure if you remember any conversations. However, if you spent enough time with the subject, perhaps you could "reconstruct" a conversation. I feel like that would make the piece a bit stronger.
Great stuff overall.